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Volume 100 of the Haven Herald was released online by Syfy. It covers the events of "Double Jeopardy", attributing the destruction at The Grey Gull to a game of beer pong that got out of hand. There was also on article on a local football game between the East Haven Riflemen and Haven High Schooners.

Vol. 100

TranscriptionsEdit

Bareknuckle Bar Brawl Leaves Local Watering Hole In Shambles
Edit

      With the cross-town gridiron battle be-

tween the East Haven Rifleman and the
Haven High Schooners approaching, the
normally friendly rivalry took an ugly turn
when a fight broke out at The Grey Gull-
and the bar seems to have taken the biggest
beating.

      "My baby is a wreck," said Duke
Crocker
, local entrepreneur and owner of
The Grey Gull. "Everyone's entitled to kick
back every now and then and have a good
time—I mean, that's why I opened this joint.
But these guys just couldn't hold their
liquor—it was like Animal House in there."

      Patrons at The Grey Gull that night
report that the skirmish began when two
rival groups—one wearing the blue and
yellow of East haven, the other in red and
white, supporting Haven High—couldn't
agree on the exact rules of "beer pong," a
recreational drinking game popularized by
college fraternities.

      "It's stupid, really, just stupid—they
trashed my entire bar because they were
fighting about the rules." Crocker said. "But
everyone knows—East Haven, Haven High,
Mars, wherever—that you can't blow in a
cup to make the ball pop out. That's beer
pong 101. I even have it posted on the wall.

      "And now my poor bar looks like the
hotel room in The Hangover because some
shmuck trying to relive his glory days wants
to play beer pong like a Zeta sister. Man up."

      Crocker estimates that the damage-
which was chiefly superficial, mostly affect-
ing his inventory and bar accoutrements-
will cost him several thousands of dollars to
replace, and that his bar will have to remain
closed during cleanup.

      "There's a lesson to be learned here,"
Crocker said. "Never serve a Rifleman."

— by Vince Teagues

East Haven Riflemen Sink the Haven High Schooners, 52-17
Edit

      After a week where the streets of Haven were paved

with the colors of pride—either blue and yellow, or red
and white, depending out personal allegiances—and
town-wide trash talking, old rivalries renewed again as
the East Haven Riflemen took the field against the
Haven High Schooners for the 58th meeting between the
two football programs.

      However, the pomp and circumstance before the
opening kickoff proved to be much more exciting than
the game itself, as the Schooners were unable to stop the
high-caliber Riflemen all night long.

      "It wouldn't be right to even call that a game," said
Trent McElroy, a Haven High fan who caught 20 passes
as a tight end his senior season (1983) wearing the
Schooners' red and white. "It was more like they too us
out back to the wood shed and beat us with a rolled up
garden hose."

      The Schooners simply had no answer for the dual
threat of James T. Pendersnatch[note 1]—the Rifleman's hard-
nosed, seemingly unstoppable running back who carved
up the Schooners' defense for 180 all-purpose yards-
and the arm of Hunter Smith, who threw for 425 yards
with six touchdowns and no interceptions.

      "There's a lot of things we could have done better,
would have done differently, or shouldn't have done at
all." said Schooners head coach Landry Taylor.[note 2] "But
right now, it just seems like getting out of bed at all this
morning was a mistake. I want for my players to go
home, put this out of their minds and forget it ever hap-
pened. Tomorrow is a new day."

      No Haven High players were willing to comment
after the game, with several curiously stating that they
had no recollection of the night's events.[note 3] At least
in that, they were well coached.

NotesEdit

  1. Pendersnatch is likely a riff on Lewis Carroll's "Bandersnatch".
  2. Landry Taylor may be a reference to a high-school cornerback from Tennessee who was watched for recruitment in 2012.[1] It might also be a reference to Landon Taylor for "Fur".
  3. This is lampshading the death of the Colorado Kid and the way no one was able to remember what happened that day.[2]

ReferencesEdit

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